When your self-care needs are especially high – a breakup, mental health challenge, a significant loss, or just a really hard day – sometimes the kindest thing you can do is lower your expectations. We all have these times. It is easy to forget the obvious things that help us nurture ourselves back to stability and calm.
You could make a self-care check-list.
I did that.
But in list form, self-care felt like one more thing “to do”.
A check list by definition, has expectations. It expects you to check things. When I lower the bar, I like to lower it all the way to the ground. I like to bury the bar entirely.
Nothing teaches you to lower your expectations quite like a brain injury.
Making self-care cards took the expectation out while still keeping a written record of the obvious things I forget when I need them most. With cards, self-care becomes a game. I can make up the rules. Plus, they feel good to touch.
When I made these cards, I was lowering my expectations a LOT. Some days I didn’t even bother with the cards at all. And even then, I was able to celebrate a self-care “win” – because one of the cards says: That’s enough. Surrender. It’s okay. You’re okay.
What would your self-care cards say?
What helps you? What little actions + thoughts feel nurturing? The beauty of making your own self care deck is that it will speak specifically to YOU. Your needs, your current abilities, your personal preferences. Do you feel cared for when you paint sparkles on your nails? Do you feel cared for when you go on a long sweaty run? Do you feel cared for when you have permission to zone out with a video game for a little while?
Making the cards = self-care craft time
Your cards don’t have to be fancy. They don’t even have to be the same size – it’s not like you’re playing poker with them. You can cut up a light weight poster board or use index cards cut in half. LOWER EXPECTATIONS.
If it’s been a while since you’ve used markers or art supplies, make it an afternoon. Put on an audiobook or podcast (I know a good one!) and allow yourself some low-key colouring time. Remember these are just for you – they can be as simple or decorative as you’d like. I wrote out the self care act in black marker, and then coloured around the words with pencil crayon.
How to use them:
First of all, make sure you…
- Make easy ones – set yourself up for success (try “tidy something tiny”)
- Make fun ones – give yourself points for re-watching Gilmore Girls if it makes you feel better
- Make kind ones – the whole point is self care. Leave the “shoulds” out of it.
Keep them general enough so you can easily do them. I have a card that reads Grooming + Body Tending – this could mean anything. I don’t have to make separate cards for a face scrub or a home pedicure or playing with make-up. Any act counts.
Also, be specific so you can easily do them. I have a card that reads Get Naked and Nap. For me, the specificity of getting naked changes the nap entirely. Getting naked frees my body from restrictions and makes it much more difficult to get up for “just a second” to do something “important” (read: resisting rest). Naked naps are intentional and delicious.
Once you have your first set of cards (even 3 cards can make a deck) play with different ways to bring them into your day:
- Select one at random. Shuffle the cards and listen to your intuition.
- Select one with intention. What would feel the best right now?
- Select a few the night before and lay them out as reminders for the next day – is there one you haven’t used for a while? Like washing your hair? This is a gentle way to notice what needs special attention.
- Keep them on a small dish where you can see them + dip in as you please – like a candy dish.
Remember: Your self-care needs may be fluid
Your self-care needs will rise and flow and change depending on where you are and what you are going through. The support you need to move through a breakup may be different from the support you need during a busy work season.
Listen to what you really need. Not what you think self-care should look like. Allow your answers to be right. They are right, for you.